Archive for September, 2009

I had a birthday sunday, not much fun. I’m middle aged, broke, and I have the worst stomach virus I have ever had. Everything comes out liquid. I am a human balloon full of gasses, I look pregnant. Maybe it’ll be a boy alien.

Things are getting worse. Like R.J. MacReady, I want to make sure there’s some kind of record. As reluctant as I am to talk about my personal life, nobody can say I didn’t tell anyone. IT’s like The Thing is after me, and I’m trapped at the ‘Pole. I have no flamethrowers.

Haven’t worked on the zombie design for a few days but it’s 2/3 of the way done. I think people are going to like it, so I may have a chance to sell a few t-shirts and get one dollar a piece in profit for each. Yay! Be an artist!

Ow ow ow ow…

Just a teaser for the zombie t-shirt I’m working on now. Yes, there will be blood.

• I’m about halfway done with the next t-shirt design. It’s zombies! Zombies are fun to paint. And blood and brains too. Why didn’t I think of this sooner?
• Ghoultoons coming back, I’ve been busy and haven’t finished this week’s yet. I’m going to try to do what I did before and work ahead a little to make sure they get back to regular updates.
• I will be a guest host for the vacationing McPierce in an upcoming episode of A Little Dead Podcast. More news to come. Also, I am told by a few people that my podcast is missed, so let’s hope this inspires me to get back to it.

And finally, I give you Reason #2049 why I am not a trendy person. Even though I’m on Twitter (and have become bored by it since it’s being used mostly for advertising just like MySpace. Why volunteer for more advertising? I get more than enough without trying, in fact I do what I can to block it out) I went ahead and tried twice to do what everyone else has decided to do in droves recently for some reason, and get on Facebook. I give you the results below:

Facebook has rejected your Uncle Larry, my fiends.

Fake Larry is the name I use for all my Ghoulzone and horror-related activities, and I’m not going to change that for some social website. So you see here an example of that which plagues my entire life: even when I decide to join the crowd, fate prevents me from doing so. What was that Groucho Marx said about not wanting to be a member of any club that would have him? Maybe this is the opposite. I could probably write to them and maybe they’d go ahead and put me in the system, but I consider this a sign.

And incidentally, if you have some sort of content for your website that is “Facebook exclusive”, you are a fucktard. Why lock out people that are already interested in your content by making them join yet another internet fad membership?

Why ask them to follow you somewhere when they are already following you? What are you getting out of this activity? Is Facebook paying you to redirect your traffic to their website? Because they’re doing better than all of us as it is, and that’s the only reason I can think of to do so. Unless they are bringing more people to your own website, which is the only reason I considered joining.

Ghoulzone is Facebook Free. I welcome the horror community one and all to visit this website any time they like, and you will never be asked to join some other site, because The Ghoulzone is also fucktard free.

Follow me on Twitter!! I never advertise money-making schemes or porn!

I am gradually in the process of gradually revising and upgrading this website gradually.

So far I am engaged in Project A: The T-shirt Paintings Thingy. The only thing that will interrupt this project is if I can get freelance art gigs. Otherwise, this is my freelance art gig. My boss is cool, but his depression and constant growling is a bit distracting.

Also on the agenda is more content. I keep wrestling with this issue because I came to realize I’m just not up to competing with other horror sites. The people who run those websites have a tendency to go outside their houses and talk to other people, gathering interviews and reporting on films and events to create content and keeping up on all the latest news and releases.

I don’t have the ability to do all that, especially since I lost the key to my ankle shackles (chafing sucks) and my front door has a right handed knob and I’m left handed. You can see my dilemma.

So, it’s back to my roots and focusing on the two basic interests of mine that this site was made for:

Mud Wrestling and Pornography.

No wait, those are my other websites. I mean Horror and Comedy.

I feel I should make content that is unique compared to other horror movie websites, and by unique I mean I will avoid going to other sites and realizing that I wasn’t the first one to do what I’m doing. Ignorance is bliss. That’s what they say anyway, I don’t know anything about that, which makes me happy.

So Project B (saying “project” makes it sound all scientific like) is for me to get blogging. Yes, everyone thinks blogging is important. Don’t they? It’s a project and all project-like. To the people that write them. The readers are on their own. If they don’t like it they can blog about it. Anyways, this is me blogging and you reading, so let’s agree to keep doing what we’re doing.

Project C (formerly known as the Project Without A Letter) consists of trying to decide if I want to put movie reviews on the website. I made a section for it, then I thought “EVERYONE does movie reviews”. I usually think in quotes.

So the question is do you want to see yet another asshole reviewing the same horror movies others have already seen on yet another horror website? For one thing, I can be a movie reviewing asshole on my podcast (more on that momentillerary) and including the reviews on the site means more typing. If you knew what I was using to type this now you’d agree that this is not a good idea.

I therefore leave this question to you, the both of you who ever contact me about anything. Do you want it? Because I can do the typing if I use lotion and cloth bandages.

Project D is to get with the podcasting again. I wasn’t pleased with what I recorded for the last couple of “unaired” shows so I want to reboot the thing. I would like for it to be funnier, but I’d have to get a sense of humor and I’m still saving up to buy a really good one.

I still have the need to pontificate at length about my various “film theories”, and I need to justify the years of money and time I spent not enrolling in any film school whatsoever and sitting on couches watching horror movies and smoking things that smelled like cat shit and burning hair.

I’m revising, revamping, renewing, and retarding. I still don’t know if the podcast will come out on a regular basis, but I won’t be waiting months between shows anymore.

I would like to ask for your help. I would like to feature segments by other people on the shows, so if you’re interested in doing horror related podcasting and you’re too smart to start your own podcast, I invite you to try yourself out on my show. As long as your segment has something to do with horror and comedy, the rest is up to you. Talk about what you want, and don’t worry about being serious. I’m serious.

If you’re better than I am at it you’re not going to get played. I’m kidding. Nobody is better at it than I am.

Think of a funny name for your segment and we can make it a regular thing. Since I have no voicemail as yet, mp3 files are the way to get airtime on the show for just about any comments you have. Remember to keep on the two topics of horror and comedy. Be comedy, and be horrible.

Project Q (formerly known as The Project Too Cool To Be An E) is me begging you for more help with content. WRITERS. Write a column and you’re in. We can also make that a regular thing, for which you will regularly be paid nothing. Don’t be disappointed, I don’t get paid either. Probably because of my typing style.

Still, of you’re interested, submit and you may get your own column. Don’t tell anyone this, but my master plan here is to create something sort of like The Onion for horror. That is if I can figure out how to redesign this site to have a magazine-like format that will show updates to all the new content. Again, if anyone knows how I can go about this without being overwhelmed with the desire to smash my own skull against every available wall, please do let me know.

See, I’m begging for more free help on this too, and I should be getting it soon. I have been sacrificing the hamsters every midnight as per the instructions of He Who Walks Under The Wood Shavings, so I expect to receive the money, power, and pellets I so richly deserve.

The email link is at the upper left of this site where it says Contact Ghoulzone. Please write in if you wanna suffer along with me and spread the word among your horror hangouts that I’m looking for guest stars. When I figure out how to set it all up we will be Thunderbirds Go. I am ready to amalgamate. And learn to spell words like amalgamate.

Dread Central has posted some photos from the upcoming House on Sorority Row remake.

There’s one thing I immediately noticed about this series of photos. All the girls look the same. They’re hot yes, but they all have almost exactly the same straight hair of the same length, in variations of brown with a blond thrown in. Same friggin’ hair. Even the chick in the background. Okay so one is asian, she’s got darker straight hair the same length too. Why do all the hot people in most films look the same?

This whole CW/WB thing has gotten way out of hand. Please tell me this is because sorority sisters all belong to one house and therefore share styles or somesuch. They even have the same body type. I’m starting to wonder if there are only two casting directors working in Hollywood who keep picking the same “types”.

Look, even the two older women in the photos have hair the same length. Doesn’t anyone get bad perms anymore? Aren’t there more than two kinds of hairstyles popular at any given time in popular culture? I thought chicks were all over this shit, where’s the variety?

I’m just concerned because I now have to hope these girls are really good actors and will be able to set themselves apart from the others by displaying range and deep characterizations. Could happen. It WON’T, but it could.

Someone once asked me if things were similar in slasher movies of the 80s, a cast full of a bunch of pretty people that all look alike. Sort of, but not this extreme. Check out a few of those films, any ones you like. You’ll see pretty people all right, but if you have trouble telling them apart it will be because their characters are one dimensional or they’re not very good actors and lack charisma. But you will be able to tell them apart by appearance. Most of the time.

I don’t expect much from slashers and I don’t ask for too much when it comes to enjoying them, but this is really starting to bug me. At least Mena Suvari had a crew cut for awhile. I’m not into chicks in crew cuts, but I admire creativity, even if it’s a little crazy. She even had cornrows in Stuck. I can recognize Mena Suvari pretty easily, even when she has that medium length straight hair.

Not proud to say it but it needs to be said, the score so far:

Retro slasher cannon fodder – 1
Contemporary slasher cannon fodder – 0

Maybe it’s not just in, but I’ve been cutting the guy slack for a long time now. And every time I do, he comes back with another comment like the ones in this recent article in Variety about RZ making a remake of The Blob:

“My intention is not to have a big red blobby thing — that’s the first thing I want to change,” Zombie said. “That gigantic Jello-looking thing might have been scary to audiences in the 1950s, but people would laugh now.”

So. A Blob movie without a Blob. Just a huge white trash guy in a mask, right?

I want it noted for the record that I did my best to understand this guy and try to dig what he’s doing. I kept saying that he should just be given the money to make Devil’s Rejects over and over again since that’s all he knows how to do. I tried to understand but I can’t.

Rob Zombie is a fucking idiot.