Posts Tagged ‘film criticism’

The long-awaited somewhat triumphant return of the Ghoulzone Podcast! After 10 months of lying in the grave we reanimate and go back to shoving that sweet audible chocolate in your ears. At least I think that’s chocolate…

WARNING: this podcast was recorded under the influence of the following formula-

alcohol + caffeine = EXCESSIVE BABBLING

You have been warned.

First we catch up on where the podcast has been and where it’s going, followed by a somewhat sad drunken state of the podcaster news segment.

Next we discuss favorite horror podcasts that have ended or returned. Certain minor events from fellow podcasters are discussed at length as a call for clarification and in hopes that doing so doesn’t get me into trouble, and opinions are given about topics from The Horror Podcast Network to making money from podcasting and related philosophies.

Then comes the review of direct to video gem Monster Man and a call to give this film well deserved attention. It’s funny, well written, well acted, and contains some nice gore that’s skillfully done. So why isn’t it more popular?

Bask in the glow of the return of the podcast, because there’s nothing like a good glowbasking!

Ghoulzone podcast episode 6

Screen shots from Monster Man

Believe it or not, this is a main character

Movie lesson: slapfights can be ended with a fart

You will die horribly on Sunday Sunday SUNDAY!

Too good to be true?

Ever get head in a camper? Ever LOSE head in a camper?

Roofies come in handy on the road

This week’s Ghoultoon is pre-empted so we can bring you the following special entertainment report:

Highlights from the Dead Lantern Splattercast 3rd Annual Splatcademy Awards show.

An event recap by Hollywood correspondent Fakeland J. Laurence.

Dead Lantern recently released its annual Splatcademy Awards podcast. This podcast apes the Academy Awards by presenting nonexistant statues to horror related movies and podcasts. In other words, like the actual Oscars, it’s just an excuse for people to dress up and get drunk.

In case you missed it, here is a recap of what I felt were the highlights from the show.

• Vaughn from Motion Picture Massacre presented Best Foreign Horror Film. Vaughn is sure to make podcast history with his unique ability to make the act of podcasting sound like the biggest pain in the ass ever.

 

• The achievement in Visual Effects category was presented by Mat and Borp who announced a new podcast they will be hosting called The Blackfoot Lounge. The show will feature reviews and discussions of 19th century North American Indian tribes.

 

• Another great presentation was given by the guys from It Came From The Basement, who after all this time still act like they just woke up and don’t know they’re being recorded.

 

• Another enjoyable moment was provided by Desmond Reddick of Dread Media who recorded future courtroom evidence for his inevitable separation from his wife Megan. Best of luck on your next podcast show, Divorced from the Movies!

 

• Another great highlight to the Splatcademy Awards was fast-forwarding through everything Frank and Ronin said. I’ve personally fast-forwarded through several of their Sleepycast shows, and I recommend doing this whenever they record anything because it makes their jokes much funnier than if you actually listened to them.

 

• A fine presentation for Best Horror Video Game was made by Snackers Ate My Podcast Notes, the podcast hosted entirely by 13 year olds with Attention Deficit Disorder. They are also well known for acting like they aren’t aware that they’re being recorded, but that’s probably a side effect of high doses of Ritalin.

 

• In the Best Horror Blog or Website category, The Dark Hours Podcast gave a short presentation and used a script. We can all learn a lesson in good podcasting from these guys. In and out before anyone realizes you’re not funny and can’t act! But not before shoehorning in as many plugs as possible.

 

• Congratulations to Arrow in the Head for winning Horror Blog Or Website With The Most Ads And Crap All Over It. It’s about time.

 

• Steven of JAFMP announced the award for Fairly Decent But Not Nearly As Good As Our Horror Podcast, then called everyone “bitches” and used a bunch of big words I didn’t understand.

 

• The Zombiegrrlz podcast finally received well-deserved recognition for their achievements by winning the award for Podcast With Most Frequent Use Of The Words “Like” and “Oh My God”.

 

• On a related note, kudos to Dead Lantern’s idiot-savant DeeJay for pointing out that Zombiegrrlz won by hypnotizing the voters with their vaginas. It needed to be said.

 

• The Graveyard Show did a presentation for Best Television Series, which took only a small fraction of the time they spent plugging their own podcast and website. Is there an award for that? There should be, because the nominees are legion.

 

• The Horrorphilia podcast presented the award for Podcast Least Likely To Do Any Show Prep. I’m kidding, they didn’t really present that award. They WON it.

   

• Horror Etc was on the show to offer their familiar brand of eventually getting around to talking about what they were there to talk about, and occasionally remembering that other people just might be listening to them. In what I assume was a change in style for Tony and Ted, they didn’t record any sounds of a car motor.

 

• The Best Death Scene was presented to Rob Zombie’s career as a director. Sorry, but if I didn’t say it someone else would have.

 

• The Best Breasts category was presented by Zombiegrrlz (because they’re all chicks, get it?!) who kept the pace going by stealing the old talking computer gag from Corey at the Midnight Podcast.

 

• Next, the Drunken Zombie podcast showed up to talk amongst themselves at length about God-knows-what. They might have presented something too, I’m not sure, but whatever it was it was probably all about Uncle Randy.

 

• Next up, for the Scariest Scene or Moment award, the Blood Bullets and Broads podcast appeared and tried to break the record for saying “fuckin’” more times during a presentation than any other podcast. This record is currently held by Just Another Fucking Movie Podcast, so better luck next year guys.

 

• Illustrious actress and newest fanboy wank fodder Katie Featherston took home numerous awards including Best High-Pitched Screaming, Best Cleavage, Best Actress Standing Still For a Long Time, and Best Cleavage. Yes, I know I said it twice, but come on, LOOK AT THEM.

 

• Actress Julianna Guill of last year’s blatant cash-in Friday the 13th won the award for Actress Most Likely To Wear Out Your Pause Button.







• Then, the Cheap and Dirty Podcast was on hand to test the volume setting on your mp3 player. Bet you turned it way up then got blasted by Mat’s voice at top volume. Ha ha!

 

• The Lifetime Achievement Ass Kiss went to none other than Joe Bob Briggs. As you know, Briggs is the one whose movie reviews are ripped off and posted on Dead Lantern’s review section. Joe Bob gave a fine acceptance speech and reminded the rest of us of just how much we suck at this.

 

• Afterwards we heard a couple of parody commercials of fake movies that would have been much more entertaining than the rest of the show combined.

 

• Audio drama actress and podcaster Julie from 19 Knock Knock Something Or Other presented the award for Best Actress. Julie entertained the crowd by performing her famous character Strange Annoying Woman Talking To Herself.

 

• Then, Brother D and Miss Bren of Mail Order Zombie presented the Best Actor award. In an obvious step up in quality, they did not once turn their presentation into a plug for their own podcast and website. Some guy named Steven won, I didn’t see the movie so I don’t know who that was.

 

• The Best Director award was presented by Corey from the late lamented Midnight Fuck You Podcast. Instead of making the presentation he regaled the audience with interesting anecdotes about transvestites and drug deals then apologized for doing it. Corey can currently be heard as an announcer for the new television game show That’s Not A Fucking Zombie Dammit.

 

• The shows pace slowed briefly when director Sam Raimi appeared onstage and had his nuts slurped by the entire crowd. Participants described them as “a little salty”, but this reporter witnessed several members of the event going back for seconds.

 

• Next, Night of the Living Podcast was on the show doing one of the most annoying music performances ever, causing the listeners to ask just what the hell they did to deserve such punishment. Rumors of a version the Splatcademy Awards podcast with this section edited out are unconfirmed, at least until after I save the file in Audacity.

 

• Host Jeff of the Splattercast presented his annual I Liked Every Movie I Saw This Year award to every movie he saw this year. Nobody was the least bit surprised.

The show wrapped up with the hosts thanking all the participants for mailing them free alcohol to “grease the wheels” and spending so much time helping to send more traffic away from their own podcasts and toward DeadLantern.com.

All things considered, this year’s Splatcademy Awards show sucked a little less than previous shows, particularly if you drank heavily before listening. Come to think of it, that improves all the Splattercasts. Try it at home!

• I’m about halfway done with the next t-shirt design. It’s zombies! Zombies are fun to paint. And blood and brains too. Why didn’t I think of this sooner?
• Ghoultoons coming back, I’ve been busy and haven’t finished this week’s yet. I’m going to try to do what I did before and work ahead a little to make sure they get back to regular updates.
• I will be a guest host for the vacationing McPierce in an upcoming episode of A Little Dead Podcast. More news to come. Also, I am told by a few people that my podcast is missed, so let’s hope this inspires me to get back to it.

And finally, I give you Reason #2049 why I am not a trendy person. Even though I’m on Twitter (and have become bored by it since it’s being used mostly for advertising just like MySpace. Why volunteer for more advertising? I get more than enough without trying, in fact I do what I can to block it out) I went ahead and tried twice to do what everyone else has decided to do in droves recently for some reason, and get on Facebook. I give you the results below:

Facebook has rejected your Uncle Larry, my fiends.

Fake Larry is the name I use for all my Ghoulzone and horror-related activities, and I’m not going to change that for some social website. So you see here an example of that which plagues my entire life: even when I decide to join the crowd, fate prevents me from doing so. What was that Groucho Marx said about not wanting to be a member of any club that would have him? Maybe this is the opposite. I could probably write to them and maybe they’d go ahead and put me in the system, but I consider this a sign.

And incidentally, if you have some sort of content for your website that is “Facebook exclusive”, you are a fucktard. Why lock out people that are already interested in your content by making them join yet another internet fad membership?

Why ask them to follow you somewhere when they are already following you? What are you getting out of this activity? Is Facebook paying you to redirect your traffic to their website? Because they’re doing better than all of us as it is, and that’s the only reason I can think of to do so. Unless they are bringing more people to your own website, which is the only reason I considered joining.

Ghoulzone is Facebook Free. I welcome the horror community one and all to visit this website any time they like, and you will never be asked to join some other site, because The Ghoulzone is also fucktard free.

Follow me on Twitter!! I never advertise money-making schemes or porn!

Dread Central has posted some photos from the upcoming House on Sorority Row remake.

There’s one thing I immediately noticed about this series of photos. All the girls look the same. They’re hot yes, but they all have almost exactly the same straight hair of the same length, in variations of brown with a blond thrown in. Same friggin’ hair. Even the chick in the background. Okay so one is asian, she’s got darker straight hair the same length too. Why do all the hot people in most films look the same?

This whole CW/WB thing has gotten way out of hand. Please tell me this is because sorority sisters all belong to one house and therefore share styles or somesuch. They even have the same body type. I’m starting to wonder if there are only two casting directors working in Hollywood who keep picking the same “types”.

Look, even the two older women in the photos have hair the same length. Doesn’t anyone get bad perms anymore? Aren’t there more than two kinds of hairstyles popular at any given time in popular culture? I thought chicks were all over this shit, where’s the variety?

I’m just concerned because I now have to hope these girls are really good actors and will be able to set themselves apart from the others by displaying range and deep characterizations. Could happen. It WON’T, but it could.

Someone once asked me if things were similar in slasher movies of the 80s, a cast full of a bunch of pretty people that all look alike. Sort of, but not this extreme. Check out a few of those films, any ones you like. You’ll see pretty people all right, but if you have trouble telling them apart it will be because their characters are one dimensional or they’re not very good actors and lack charisma. But you will be able to tell them apart by appearance. Most of the time.

I don’t expect much from slashers and I don’t ask for too much when it comes to enjoying them, but this is really starting to bug me. At least Mena Suvari had a crew cut for awhile. I’m not into chicks in crew cuts, but I admire creativity, even if it’s a little crazy. She even had cornrows in Stuck. I can recognize Mena Suvari pretty easily, even when she has that medium length straight hair.

Not proud to say it but it needs to be said, the score so far:

Retro slasher cannon fodder – 1
Contemporary slasher cannon fodder – 0

Maybe it’s not just in, but I’ve been cutting the guy slack for a long time now. And every time I do, he comes back with another comment like the ones in this recent article in Variety about RZ making a remake of The Blob:

“My intention is not to have a big red blobby thing — that’s the first thing I want to change,” Zombie said. “That gigantic Jello-looking thing might have been scary to audiences in the 1950s, but people would laugh now.”

So. A Blob movie without a Blob. Just a huge white trash guy in a mask, right?

I want it noted for the record that I did my best to understand this guy and try to dig what he’s doing. I kept saying that he should just be given the money to make Devil’s Rejects over and over again since that’s all he knows how to do. I tried to understand but I can’t.

Rob Zombie is a fucking idiot.

According to entertainment news website Collider, Wes Craven and Kevin Williamson are working on not one, but three more Scream movies.

Let’s be frank, Scream owes it’s success to the fact that it was one big in-joke. This joke managed to sustain itself for another movie, and was pretty much played out by the third. The Scream series seemed to ask the question “How many times can you reference horror movie cliches before becoming a horror movie cliche?”. I thought the answer to that question was “two times, maybe three.”

Personally, I blame the Saw movies for inspiring the reawakening of older film series and then keep going with the sequels until nobody cares anymore, after which they release three more films anyway.

I have one word for those excited by this Wes Craven related news: Cursed. That’s right, let the memories come…