Posts Tagged ‘horror blog’

The long-awaited somewhat triumphant return of the Ghoulzone Podcast! After 10 months of lying in the grave we reanimate and go back to shoving that sweet audible chocolate in your ears. At least I think that’s chocolate…

WARNING: this podcast was recorded under the influence of the following formula-

alcohol + caffeine = EXCESSIVE BABBLING

You have been warned.

First we catch up on where the podcast has been and where it’s going, followed by a somewhat sad drunken state of the podcaster news segment.

Next we discuss favorite horror podcasts that have ended or returned. Certain minor events from fellow podcasters are discussed at length as a call for clarification and in hopes that doing so doesn’t get me into trouble, and opinions are given about topics from The Horror Podcast Network to making money from podcasting and related philosophies.

Then comes the review of direct to video gem Monster Man and a call to give this film well deserved attention. It’s funny, well written, well acted, and contains some nice gore that’s skillfully done. So why isn’t it more popular?

Bask in the glow of the return of the podcast, because there’s nothing like a good glowbasking!

Ghoulzone podcast episode 6

Screen shots from Monster Man

Believe it or not, this is a main character

Movie lesson: slapfights can be ended with a fart

You will die horribly on Sunday Sunday SUNDAY!

Too good to be true?

Ever get head in a camper? Ever LOSE head in a camper?

Roofies come in handy on the road

Fans of H.P. Lovecraft can now enjoy a new book discovered recently by Lovecraft archivists. This work was not even known to exist since no references to it were found in any of the author’s many published and unpublished works, including articles and personal letters.

With the blessings of the Lovecraft estate, various pages, notes, and instructions have been painstakingly compiled into a new finished volume and will be first new work by H.P. Lovecraft to be published in many years.

What is the new book about?

It’s a cookbook.

“We know Lovecraft wasn’t known for his culinary skills,” said head archivist Lou DeReada, “but once we read though these manuscripts we realized what might have led to the author’s sensitive stomach.” Indeed, Lovecraft wrote about habitually eating only 2 meals per day “since my digestion raises hell if I try to eat oftener than once in 7 hours”, and spending only three dollars a week on food.

The recipes contained in this newly discovered book are thought to be earlier writings and may help to explain how the author might have developed digestive difficulties later in his life.

The new tome entitled “The 50 Delicious Recipes of Unknown Kadath” contains complete instructions and lists of ingredients for creating assorted dishes like Uncouth Black Oozed Filet Mignon, Sweet and Sour Sothoth, and Fungi from Yuggoth au gratin.

However, DeReada cautions against actually trying to create any of the meals from the cookbook.

“We sent sample recipes to a test kitchen in New York’s famous Le Jirque restaurant”, he said. “Within the first hour, 6 chefs went mad and ran from the building tearing at their faces and screaming something like ‘the stars will soon be in the right positions to revive Them’. One of them also screamed about a ‘doom of a cycle of eternity without cloves or crushed red pepper’. We recommend that the readers at least use caution, especially when preparing for dinner parties.”

Below is a sample recipe from the new book. This excerpt is edited to reduce the risk of insanity.

Many-Tentacled Forbidden Blasphemies in White Wine Sauce

Ingredients

2 tablespoons olive oil
1 teaspoon minced onion
1 teaspoon minced celery
8 (6 ounce) scaly greenish tentacles (can substitute grey antennae)
1 teaspoon minced garlic
1 teaspoon minced green bell pepper
2 tablespoons blue-litten K’n-yan, diced
1 colossal and nameless blasphemy with glaring red pimentos
1 ounce white wine

Slice a pocket into the side of each tentacle, and stuff generously with blue-litten K’n-yan, set aside. Heat olive oil in a large cast iron skillet over medium heat. Saute garlic and onion for 1 minute. Stir in bell pepper and colossal and nameless blasphemy with glaring red pimentos, and saute until tender. Scream to the heavens of the horror of staring into the face of forever, season to taste with salt and pepper. Place tentacles in skillet, and cook until a shapeless protoplasm forms or until done. Reduce heat, stir in white wine and prepare for the arrival of the Old Ones. Top with the souls of the dead or bacon.

The 50 Delicious Recipes of Unknown Kadath will be available in bookstores everywhere for a limited time. The printing itself won’t be limited, just the amount of time to purchase before the arrival of the mindless Other Gods covers the earth in fetid rot and the screams of the dying, but in time for the holidays.

This week’s Ghoultoon is pre-empted so we can bring you the following special entertainment report:

Highlights from the Dead Lantern Splattercast 3rd Annual Splatcademy Awards show.

An event recap by Hollywood correspondent Fakeland J. Laurence.

Dead Lantern recently released its annual Splatcademy Awards podcast. This podcast apes the Academy Awards by presenting nonexistant statues to horror related movies and podcasts. In other words, like the actual Oscars, it’s just an excuse for people to dress up and get drunk.

In case you missed it, here is a recap of what I felt were the highlights from the show.

• Vaughn from Motion Picture Massacre presented Best Foreign Horror Film. Vaughn is sure to make podcast history with his unique ability to make the act of podcasting sound like the biggest pain in the ass ever.

 

• The achievement in Visual Effects category was presented by Mat and Borp who announced a new podcast they will be hosting called The Blackfoot Lounge. The show will feature reviews and discussions of 19th century North American Indian tribes.

 

• Another great presentation was given by the guys from It Came From The Basement, who after all this time still act like they just woke up and don’t know they’re being recorded.

 

• Another enjoyable moment was provided by Desmond Reddick of Dread Media who recorded future courtroom evidence for his inevitable separation from his wife Megan. Best of luck on your next podcast show, Divorced from the Movies!

 

• Another great highlight to the Splatcademy Awards was fast-forwarding through everything Frank and Ronin said. I’ve personally fast-forwarded through several of their Sleepycast shows, and I recommend doing this whenever they record anything because it makes their jokes much funnier than if you actually listened to them.

 

• A fine presentation for Best Horror Video Game was made by Snackers Ate My Podcast Notes, the podcast hosted entirely by 13 year olds with Attention Deficit Disorder. They are also well known for acting like they aren’t aware that they’re being recorded, but that’s probably a side effect of high doses of Ritalin.

 

• In the Best Horror Blog or Website category, The Dark Hours Podcast gave a short presentation and used a script. We can all learn a lesson in good podcasting from these guys. In and out before anyone realizes you’re not funny and can’t act! But not before shoehorning in as many plugs as possible.

 

• Congratulations to Arrow in the Head for winning Horror Blog Or Website With The Most Ads And Crap All Over It. It’s about time.

 

• Steven of JAFMP announced the award for Fairly Decent But Not Nearly As Good As Our Horror Podcast, then called everyone “bitches” and used a bunch of big words I didn’t understand.

 

• The Zombiegrrlz podcast finally received well-deserved recognition for their achievements by winning the award for Podcast With Most Frequent Use Of The Words “Like” and “Oh My God”.

 

• On a related note, kudos to Dead Lantern’s idiot-savant DeeJay for pointing out that Zombiegrrlz won by hypnotizing the voters with their vaginas. It needed to be said.

 

• The Graveyard Show did a presentation for Best Television Series, which took only a small fraction of the time they spent plugging their own podcast and website. Is there an award for that? There should be, because the nominees are legion.

 

• The Horrorphilia podcast presented the award for Podcast Least Likely To Do Any Show Prep. I’m kidding, they didn’t really present that award. They WON it.

   

• Horror Etc was on the show to offer their familiar brand of eventually getting around to talking about what they were there to talk about, and occasionally remembering that other people just might be listening to them. In what I assume was a change in style for Tony and Ted, they didn’t record any sounds of a car motor.

 

• The Best Death Scene was presented to Rob Zombie’s career as a director. Sorry, but if I didn’t say it someone else would have.

 

• The Best Breasts category was presented by Zombiegrrlz (because they’re all chicks, get it?!) who kept the pace going by stealing the old talking computer gag from Corey at the Midnight Podcast.

 

• Next, the Drunken Zombie podcast showed up to talk amongst themselves at length about God-knows-what. They might have presented something too, I’m not sure, but whatever it was it was probably all about Uncle Randy.

 

• Next up, for the Scariest Scene or Moment award, the Blood Bullets and Broads podcast appeared and tried to break the record for saying “fuckin’” more times during a presentation than any other podcast. This record is currently held by Just Another Fucking Movie Podcast, so better luck next year guys.

 

• Illustrious actress and newest fanboy wank fodder Katie Featherston took home numerous awards including Best High-Pitched Screaming, Best Cleavage, Best Actress Standing Still For a Long Time, and Best Cleavage. Yes, I know I said it twice, but come on, LOOK AT THEM.

 

• Actress Julianna Guill of last year’s blatant cash-in Friday the 13th won the award for Actress Most Likely To Wear Out Your Pause Button.







• Then, the Cheap and Dirty Podcast was on hand to test the volume setting on your mp3 player. Bet you turned it way up then got blasted by Mat’s voice at top volume. Ha ha!

 

• The Lifetime Achievement Ass Kiss went to none other than Joe Bob Briggs. As you know, Briggs is the one whose movie reviews are ripped off and posted on Dead Lantern’s review section. Joe Bob gave a fine acceptance speech and reminded the rest of us of just how much we suck at this.

 

• Afterwards we heard a couple of parody commercials of fake movies that would have been much more entertaining than the rest of the show combined.

 

• Audio drama actress and podcaster Julie from 19 Knock Knock Something Or Other presented the award for Best Actress. Julie entertained the crowd by performing her famous character Strange Annoying Woman Talking To Herself.

 

• Then, Brother D and Miss Bren of Mail Order Zombie presented the Best Actor award. In an obvious step up in quality, they did not once turn their presentation into a plug for their own podcast and website. Some guy named Steven won, I didn’t see the movie so I don’t know who that was.

 

• The Best Director award was presented by Corey from the late lamented Midnight Fuck You Podcast. Instead of making the presentation he regaled the audience with interesting anecdotes about transvestites and drug deals then apologized for doing it. Corey can currently be heard as an announcer for the new television game show That’s Not A Fucking Zombie Dammit.

 

• The shows pace slowed briefly when director Sam Raimi appeared onstage and had his nuts slurped by the entire crowd. Participants described them as “a little salty”, but this reporter witnessed several members of the event going back for seconds.

 

• Next, Night of the Living Podcast was on the show doing one of the most annoying music performances ever, causing the listeners to ask just what the hell they did to deserve such punishment. Rumors of a version the Splatcademy Awards podcast with this section edited out are unconfirmed, at least until after I save the file in Audacity.

 

• Host Jeff of the Splattercast presented his annual I Liked Every Movie I Saw This Year award to every movie he saw this year. Nobody was the least bit surprised.

The show wrapped up with the hosts thanking all the participants for mailing them free alcohol to “grease the wheels” and spending so much time helping to send more traffic away from their own podcasts and toward DeadLantern.com.

All things considered, this year’s Splatcademy Awards show sucked a little less than previous shows, particularly if you drank heavily before listening. Come to think of it, that improves all the Splattercasts. Try it at home!

I am gradually in the process of gradually revising and upgrading this website gradually.

So far I am engaged in Project A: The T-shirt Paintings Thingy. The only thing that will interrupt this project is if I can get freelance art gigs. Otherwise, this is my freelance art gig. My boss is cool, but his depression and constant growling is a bit distracting.

Also on the agenda is more content. I keep wrestling with this issue because I came to realize I’m just not up to competing with other horror sites. The people who run those websites have a tendency to go outside their houses and talk to other people, gathering interviews and reporting on films and events to create content and keeping up on all the latest news and releases.

I don’t have the ability to do all that, especially since I lost the key to my ankle shackles (chafing sucks) and my front door has a right handed knob and I’m left handed. You can see my dilemma.

So, it’s back to my roots and focusing on the two basic interests of mine that this site was made for:

Mud Wrestling and Pornography.

No wait, those are my other websites. I mean Horror and Comedy.

I feel I should make content that is unique compared to other horror movie websites, and by unique I mean I will avoid going to other sites and realizing that I wasn’t the first one to do what I’m doing. Ignorance is bliss. That’s what they say anyway, I don’t know anything about that, which makes me happy.

So Project B (saying “project” makes it sound all scientific like) is for me to get blogging. Yes, everyone thinks blogging is important. Don’t they? It’s a project and all project-like. To the people that write them. The readers are on their own. If they don’t like it they can blog about it. Anyways, this is me blogging and you reading, so let’s agree to keep doing what we’re doing.

Project C (formerly known as the Project Without A Letter) consists of trying to decide if I want to put movie reviews on the website. I made a section for it, then I thought “EVERYONE does movie reviews”. I usually think in quotes.

So the question is do you want to see yet another asshole reviewing the same horror movies others have already seen on yet another horror website? For one thing, I can be a movie reviewing asshole on my podcast (more on that momentillerary) and including the reviews on the site means more typing. If you knew what I was using to type this now you’d agree that this is not a good idea.

I therefore leave this question to you, the both of you who ever contact me about anything. Do you want it? Because I can do the typing if I use lotion and cloth bandages.

Project D is to get with the podcasting again. I wasn’t pleased with what I recorded for the last couple of “unaired” shows so I want to reboot the thing. I would like for it to be funnier, but I’d have to get a sense of humor and I’m still saving up to buy a really good one.

I still have the need to pontificate at length about my various “film theories”, and I need to justify the years of money and time I spent not enrolling in any film school whatsoever and sitting on couches watching horror movies and smoking things that smelled like cat shit and burning hair.

I’m revising, revamping, renewing, and retarding. I still don’t know if the podcast will come out on a regular basis, but I won’t be waiting months between shows anymore.

I would like to ask for your help. I would like to feature segments by other people on the shows, so if you’re interested in doing horror related podcasting and you’re too smart to start your own podcast, I invite you to try yourself out on my show. As long as your segment has something to do with horror and comedy, the rest is up to you. Talk about what you want, and don’t worry about being serious. I’m serious.

If you’re better than I am at it you’re not going to get played. I’m kidding. Nobody is better at it than I am.

Think of a funny name for your segment and we can make it a regular thing. Since I have no voicemail as yet, mp3 files are the way to get airtime on the show for just about any comments you have. Remember to keep on the two topics of horror and comedy. Be comedy, and be horrible.

Project Q (formerly known as The Project Too Cool To Be An E) is me begging you for more help with content. WRITERS. Write a column and you’re in. We can also make that a regular thing, for which you will regularly be paid nothing. Don’t be disappointed, I don’t get paid either. Probably because of my typing style.

Still, of you’re interested, submit and you may get your own column. Don’t tell anyone this, but my master plan here is to create something sort of like The Onion for horror. That is if I can figure out how to redesign this site to have a magazine-like format that will show updates to all the new content. Again, if anyone knows how I can go about this without being overwhelmed with the desire to smash my own skull against every available wall, please do let me know.

See, I’m begging for more free help on this too, and I should be getting it soon. I have been sacrificing the hamsters every midnight as per the instructions of He Who Walks Under The Wood Shavings, so I expect to receive the money, power, and pellets I so richly deserve.

The email link is at the upper left of this site where it says Contact Ghoulzone. Please write in if you wanna suffer along with me and spread the word among your horror hangouts that I’m looking for guest stars. When I figure out how to set it all up we will be Thunderbirds Go. I am ready to amalgamate. And learn to spell words like amalgamate.

Things are not going well in Ghoulzone central.

I’m slacking a bit with the Ghoultoons. I still have lots of ideas, but as you can see from the last couple of entries, I want to get more detailed with the gags and artwork. I don’t plan it that way, the project dictates itself so I never know how long it will take to make one. I also reject some dumb ideas I have. If I can’t cram 3 or 4 jokes into an entry, I generally don’t do it.

Had some health problems recently, and since I have no insurance or any other resources for that matter, I had to struggle through. Fortunately, I can still afford my medication so hopefully I won’t drop dead too soon. If I don’t do any updates for 9 months, I’m probably dead. Sure that’s a morbid thought, but nobody knows or cares that I have the site or do a podcast , so if something goes that wrong you’ll have no way of knowing.

I have lots of notes, scripts, reviews and even some promos written for the podcast, but it’s very hard to get even a few hours to myself to record. I need to be alone and uninterrupted for recording and editing, and some things are getting in the way.

I’m struggling with developing my own internet-based business so that’s top priority since it’s starting to look like I may never be employed again. I’m completely fed up with depending on businesses that take my best work and efforts for years then ditch me on a whim with a nod and a last paycheck, after which I’m back to square one. I’m totally on my own here, I must become self-sufficient to survive. So most of my time is focused on that, and when I’m not searching for work or trying to figure out how to run a business, I read and relax, watch movies and play video games. It keeps the anger at bay, and is as necessary to my survival as my medications.

If people paid me to be a goofball on the internet, I’d be a really happy guy.

So I’m posting this uncharacteristically personal update to let the two or three people who might care know that I haven’t stopped doing what I do. I just have to prioritize, and the website here gets bumped down to last place.

I might get a Ghoultoon done today but I think I may have to cut it down to once a week on Thursday so I can keep to a schedule.

Anyway, something is coming up soon. Not sure what, but something.

Episode 5 – Reposessed Zombies

It’s another long show which contains a few comments about avoiding doing a long show then proceeding to do a long show, following up with an apology for doing the long show.

There is much in-depth discussion about zombies and zombie movies, what is and what ain’t. Theories are theoried and complaining ensues, then much love and respect is given to zombie podcasts. Then we get rude again and tell everyone why they are so very very wrong. Finally, we give constructive advice and experiments you can try at home. The whole zombie thing is cleared up, and there is much rejoicing and the children get balloons and toys.

The DVD of Repo The Genetic Opera is reviewed, featuring simultaneous praise and disjointed nitpicking, and nostalgia for the Rocky Horror Picture Show. Testify!!

This is a shot of downtown L.A. I’m kidding, it’s San Francisco

The comic artwork from the film contains some great likenesses

Not only is Blind Mag a hot goth chick, her eyes get HBO

Ghoulzone Podcast episode 5

Thanks to visitor Dark for pointing out code errors in my Wordpress template. I took his advice and fixed it, and the site is looking better in Firefox now. It’s not perfect yet, there are still some issues in the footer and such, which if you noticed are also showing up in the footer when displayed in IE.

But it’s looking better with most of the formatting loading properly and at least you can read the site, so that’s good enough for now.

I like the free template I found for this site after a long search, but I always wanted one that had a more simple layout and would be easier to tweak than this one. I just couldn’t find one that was quite right, with the three column layout I have now. Too much tweaking.

If anyone knows of a simpler free template, let me know and I’ll install it and give it a try. I’d particularly like one that already has a green-on-black motif like it is now.

Anyway, if you would like to visit a site that has lots of good horror-related content and does NOT have a fucked up format, go to Dark’s blog It’s Dark In The Dark.