Posts Tagged ‘nonsense’

This week’s Ghoultoon is pre-empted so we can bring you the following special entertainment report:

Highlights from the Dead Lantern Splattercast 3rd Annual Splatcademy Awards show.

An event recap by Hollywood correspondent Fakeland J. Laurence.

Dead Lantern recently released its annual Splatcademy Awards podcast. This podcast apes the Academy Awards by presenting nonexistant statues to horror related movies and podcasts. In other words, like the actual Oscars, it’s just an excuse for people to dress up and get drunk.

In case you missed it, here is a recap of what I felt were the highlights from the show.

• Vaughn from Motion Picture Massacre presented Best Foreign Horror Film. Vaughn is sure to make podcast history with his unique ability to make the act of podcasting sound like the biggest pain in the ass ever.

 

• The achievement in Visual Effects category was presented by Mat and Borp who announced a new podcast they will be hosting called The Blackfoot Lounge. The show will feature reviews and discussions of 19th century North American Indian tribes.

 

• Another great presentation was given by the guys from It Came From The Basement, who after all this time still act like they just woke up and don’t know they’re being recorded.

 

• Another enjoyable moment was provided by Desmond Reddick of Dread Media who recorded future courtroom evidence for his inevitable separation from his wife Megan. Best of luck on your next podcast show, Divorced from the Movies!

 

• Another great highlight to the Splatcademy Awards was fast-forwarding through everything Frank and Ronin said. I’ve personally fast-forwarded through several of their Sleepycast shows, and I recommend doing this whenever they record anything because it makes their jokes much funnier than if you actually listened to them.

 

• A fine presentation for Best Horror Video Game was made by Snackers Ate My Podcast Notes, the podcast hosted entirely by 13 year olds with Attention Deficit Disorder. They are also well known for acting like they aren’t aware that they’re being recorded, but that’s probably a side effect of high doses of Ritalin.

 

• In the Best Horror Blog or Website category, The Dark Hours Podcast gave a short presentation and used a script. We can all learn a lesson in good podcasting from these guys. In and out before anyone realizes you’re not funny and can’t act! But not before shoehorning in as many plugs as possible.

 

• Congratulations to Arrow in the Head for winning Horror Blog Or Website With The Most Ads And Crap All Over It. It’s about time.

 

• Steven of JAFMP announced the award for Fairly Decent But Not Nearly As Good As Our Horror Podcast, then called everyone “bitches” and used a bunch of big words I didn’t understand.

 

• The Zombiegrrlz podcast finally received well-deserved recognition for their achievements by winning the award for Podcast With Most Frequent Use Of The Words “Like” and “Oh My God”.

 

• On a related note, kudos to Dead Lantern’s idiot-savant DeeJay for pointing out that Zombiegrrlz won by hypnotizing the voters with their vaginas. It needed to be said.

 

• The Graveyard Show did a presentation for Best Television Series, which took only a small fraction of the time they spent plugging their own podcast and website. Is there an award for that? There should be, because the nominees are legion.

 

• The Horrorphilia podcast presented the award for Podcast Least Likely To Do Any Show Prep. I’m kidding, they didn’t really present that award. They WON it.

   

• Horror Etc was on the show to offer their familiar brand of eventually getting around to talking about what they were there to talk about, and occasionally remembering that other people just might be listening to them. In what I assume was a change in style for Tony and Ted, they didn’t record any sounds of a car motor.

 

• The Best Death Scene was presented to Rob Zombie’s career as a director. Sorry, but if I didn’t say it someone else would have.

 

• The Best Breasts category was presented by Zombiegrrlz (because they’re all chicks, get it?!) who kept the pace going by stealing the old talking computer gag from Corey at the Midnight Podcast.

 

• Next, the Drunken Zombie podcast showed up to talk amongst themselves at length about God-knows-what. They might have presented something too, I’m not sure, but whatever it was it was probably all about Uncle Randy.

 

• Next up, for the Scariest Scene or Moment award, the Blood Bullets and Broads podcast appeared and tried to break the record for saying “fuckin’” more times during a presentation than any other podcast. This record is currently held by Just Another Fucking Movie Podcast, so better luck next year guys.

 

• Illustrious actress and newest fanboy wank fodder Katie Featherston took home numerous awards including Best High-Pitched Screaming, Best Cleavage, Best Actress Standing Still For a Long Time, and Best Cleavage. Yes, I know I said it twice, but come on, LOOK AT THEM.

 

• Actress Julianna Guill of last year’s blatant cash-in Friday the 13th won the award for Actress Most Likely To Wear Out Your Pause Button.







• Then, the Cheap and Dirty Podcast was on hand to test the volume setting on your mp3 player. Bet you turned it way up then got blasted by Mat’s voice at top volume. Ha ha!

 

• The Lifetime Achievement Ass Kiss went to none other than Joe Bob Briggs. As you know, Briggs is the one whose movie reviews are ripped off and posted on Dead Lantern’s review section. Joe Bob gave a fine acceptance speech and reminded the rest of us of just how much we suck at this.

 

• Afterwards we heard a couple of parody commercials of fake movies that would have been much more entertaining than the rest of the show combined.

 

• Audio drama actress and podcaster Julie from 19 Knock Knock Something Or Other presented the award for Best Actress. Julie entertained the crowd by performing her famous character Strange Annoying Woman Talking To Herself.

 

• Then, Brother D and Miss Bren of Mail Order Zombie presented the Best Actor award. In an obvious step up in quality, they did not once turn their presentation into a plug for their own podcast and website. Some guy named Steven won, I didn’t see the movie so I don’t know who that was.

 

• The Best Director award was presented by Corey from the late lamented Midnight Fuck You Podcast. Instead of making the presentation he regaled the audience with interesting anecdotes about transvestites and drug deals then apologized for doing it. Corey can currently be heard as an announcer for the new television game show That’s Not A Fucking Zombie Dammit.

 

• The shows pace slowed briefly when director Sam Raimi appeared onstage and had his nuts slurped by the entire crowd. Participants described them as “a little salty”, but this reporter witnessed several members of the event going back for seconds.

 

• Next, Night of the Living Podcast was on the show doing one of the most annoying music performances ever, causing the listeners to ask just what the hell they did to deserve such punishment. Rumors of a version the Splatcademy Awards podcast with this section edited out are unconfirmed, at least until after I save the file in Audacity.

 

• Host Jeff of the Splattercast presented his annual I Liked Every Movie I Saw This Year award to every movie he saw this year. Nobody was the least bit surprised.

The show wrapped up with the hosts thanking all the participants for mailing them free alcohol to “grease the wheels” and spending so much time helping to send more traffic away from their own podcasts and toward DeadLantern.com.

All things considered, this year’s Splatcademy Awards show sucked a little less than previous shows, particularly if you drank heavily before listening. Come to think of it, that improves all the Splattercasts. Try it at home!

It’s scary because it’s true!

Things are not going well in Ghoulzone central.

I’m slacking a bit with the Ghoultoons. I still have lots of ideas, but as you can see from the last couple of entries, I want to get more detailed with the gags and artwork. I don’t plan it that way, the project dictates itself so I never know how long it will take to make one. I also reject some dumb ideas I have. If I can’t cram 3 or 4 jokes into an entry, I generally don’t do it.

Had some health problems recently, and since I have no insurance or any other resources for that matter, I had to struggle through. Fortunately, I can still afford my medication so hopefully I won’t drop dead too soon. If I don’t do any updates for 9 months, I’m probably dead. Sure that’s a morbid thought, but nobody knows or cares that I have the site or do a podcast , so if something goes that wrong you’ll have no way of knowing.

I have lots of notes, scripts, reviews and even some promos written for the podcast, but it’s very hard to get even a few hours to myself to record. I need to be alone and uninterrupted for recording and editing, and some things are getting in the way.

I’m struggling with developing my own internet-based business so that’s top priority since it’s starting to look like I may never be employed again. I’m completely fed up with depending on businesses that take my best work and efforts for years then ditch me on a whim with a nod and a last paycheck, after which I’m back to square one. I’m totally on my own here, I must become self-sufficient to survive. So most of my time is focused on that, and when I’m not searching for work or trying to figure out how to run a business, I read and relax, watch movies and play video games. It keeps the anger at bay, and is as necessary to my survival as my medications.

If people paid me to be a goofball on the internet, I’d be a really happy guy.

So I’m posting this uncharacteristically personal update to let the two or three people who might care know that I haven’t stopped doing what I do. I just have to prioritize, and the website here gets bumped down to last place.

I might get a Ghoultoon done today but I think I may have to cut it down to once a week on Thursday so I can keep to a schedule.

Anyway, something is coming up soon. Not sure what, but something.

No podcast this week. I’ve been both sick and busy, but the good news is that I’m more organized and have outlines for the next several shows. Expect a new episode next Tuesday.

 Coming up on the next few shows I have more zombie discussion, some advice for editing sound files and some more horror and remake stuff to complain about discuss. Also, we have reviews of dvds for Let The Right One In, Tokyo Zombie, and then we are going back to summer camp and getting our retro on.

Don’t you fear, there’ll be plenty to fear soon!

In the meantime, since you are so totally cool, if you really want to, do me a solid and vote for Ghoulzone on PodcastAlley. I’d be happy just to get to the bottom of page one which is number 50, just so people can find the show and give it a chance.

I have like one vote, and I’m on the 5th page somewhere. Thanks for that vote BTW, but we just can’t have this being buried on the 5th page crap because it is just damned pathetic, so do your thang!

 Also, I can’t seem to find the time to put more content up on the site beyond the Ghoultoons (every Monday and Thursday like freaking clockwork) so if anyone has any opinion pieces or reviews, as long as it’s horror related, send them in and I’ll post them.

Stupid Happy Face

Rob Zombie should do a remake of the movie Zombie. Then they would say “The new zombie movie from Rob Zombie, Zombie”. Confusing people is fun.

Ghoultoon Monday, y’all!

I am in the process of editing Episode 4 of the podcast, and it should be posted soon.

I’ve been so damned busy lately and just can’t seem to get a couple of hours alone to get the show fully recorded. People and animals like to make noise it seems, and my gawd we can’t have that.

Fortunately I figured out that I can get more things done if I stop wasting time sleeping.

But I do want to try to get more regular content on the website, so here’s what you’ll be seeing in the near future-

• Regular blog entries a few times a week about horror stuff I see around teh internets
• A couple of new mini features on the right sidebar: one called Random Freakage which is a set of rotating mini Ghoultoons. I’ll add more images there now and then. Each page refresh will give you a new chuckle.
• The other is Pick My Brain, which will be funny mini blog posts. Hooray for Wordpress widgets!
• Movie reviews in their own section, I’m still working out the format I want to use for them
• A Ghoulzone store with a wide variety of awesome swag

So be sure to stop by and see the ongoing mutation.

BTW – I’ve been getting more great feedback on the Ghoultoons, and I’m happy that you guys are enjoying them so much. There are plenty more to come. And be sure to pay attention to the message boards for all your favorite podcasts, because you never quite know when or where the Ghoultoons will stike next! I may infect yours!

Stick around, you ain’t seen nothin’ yet!